Look Before You Drink
by Star0307
Summary: A story started at three AM. Goku has some trouble sleeping after he has a marshmallow craving. The night just goes downhill from there. Rated for crude humor.


Just…don't ask….

* * *

"Marshmallows. I want marshmallows." Goku turned to his wife sleeping beside him and nudged her awake. "Chichi," he whispered, "I want marshmallows."

"We don't have any."

Goku gave his wife the infamous anime-starry eyes. "Please?" She sighed and rolled out of bed with a groan. Where in the world was she going to find marshmallows?

Shuffling down the stairs, she walked from the cabinets to the refrigerator and back again a total of eight times before she realized that marshmallows were not going to magically appear in her house. She would have to make them. The question now was how? How do people make marshmallows?

Chichi had to brainstorm. She managed to scrounge out a pen and a sheet of paper from the kitchen clutter drawer and sat at the table to ponder. Twenty minutes later, she had a blank piece of paper and a puddle of drool in front of her. She suddenly realized that Goku wouldn't notice if he was eating marshmallows or not, so she pulled the first thing she found out of the cabinet and climbed up the stairs.

"Here, Goku," she said as she passed him a bottle. Eagerly, he pressed it to his lips and had soon consumed the entire thing.

"What was that?" he asked suddenly before he hiccupped.

"It was vodka. Now go to sleep."

Hic "Okey-dokey."

They only managed to sleep another five minutes when a gigantic explosion was heard. "Fuat the whuck?" Goku slurred as he woke up. Stumbling to the window, he peered out at the hazy, swirling woods. "I don't feel sho good," he said thickly before yakking out the window.

A shout was heard and suddenly a puke-covered fruity alien was in front of him. Goku groaned openly and said, "Aren't you dead yet?"

The alien immediately shook his fist in anger. "You…you take that back, you…monkey!"

Again, Goku rolled his eyes. "Or what? You'll transhform into your final and gayesht appearanshe yet? Puh-LEEZE, hic Friesha!" Goku giggled stupidly at his own quip.

Frieza, on the other hand, was a little taken aback. "Are you drunk?" he-she asked cautiously.

Goku shook his head back and forth rapidly. "Nope. I'm cold sone stober." He then pressed his palm to his forehead as he swayed precariously. "Remind me not to shake my head sho fasht."

Frieza stroked his-her chin diabolically. "Goku," he-she finally said, "shake your head fast."

"Okay!" Goku started to swing his head back and forth with all of his might while Frieza laughed his-her head off. In the meantime, a certain Saiyan Prince was experiencing similar problems.

"Vodka. I want vodka." Vegeta turned to his wife sleeping beside him and bitch-slapped her awake. "Woman!" he shouted. "I want vodka."

"We don't have any." Wordlessly, Vegeta lifted his hand and gathered a small ki blast. Bulma sighed and rolled out of bed with a few choice words that no man should ever hear. There was no vodka in the house!

She shuffled to the kitchen, grabbed the first thing she saw and brought it upstairs to Vegeta. "Here," she said, tossing him the bag, "eat those." Vegeta ripped open the bag and ate all its contents in less than three seconds.

"What was that?" he asked suddenly as his right eye started to twitch.

"It was marshmallows. Now go to sleep."

Twitch "Okay-okay-okay!" Bulma fell back asleep but Vegeta was too busy twitching and giggling to go to sleep. He eventually leapt out of bed and exclaimed, "I feel so ALIVE!" He hopped out of bed and did forty-three somersaults in a row. "Now I can take Kakarott down once and for all!"

Not even bothering to dress appropriately, the half-naked Saiyan Prince bust through the wall and rushed towards Goku's house, where the younger Saiyan was having a little trouble of his own.

"Can I shtop shaking my head now?" he pleaded as he tried to press his hand against his rapidly-moving head.

"No! You have to go FASTER!" Frieza shouted, laughing manically afterwards. Goku groaned but obeyed.

"Kakarott! I choose YOU!"

Goku suddenly stopped twirling his head and turned to see Vegeta in all his twitchy glory. "Hiya, Vegetous! I was just talking to—"

"ENOUGH MINDLESS BABBLE! I'm sick and tired of hearing it! Let's end this now." With all his pent up rage and sugar, Vegeta powered up. Super Saiyan one…two…three…four…five…six…. Frieza watched aghast at how powerful his-her little monkey had become in his-her absence.

About ten minutes later, Vegeta was up to Super Saiyan 1, 298 when he finally maxed out. "Bring it on, Kakarott!"

The younger Saiyan didn't even bother powering up. "Let's play, Vergette!"

Thus begun the battle of two great powers. Frieza was still watching at the sidelines. "Hmm," he-she thought to him-herself, "if I let them duke it out, I will be able to rule the entire universe with no dirty monkey's standing in my way!" Again, he-she began to laugh, but was cut short when a bottle smashed down on his-her head.

"I'm trying to sleep, bitch!" Chichi shouted from the upper window. "Why don't you go back to walking the streets?"

"Why you little…." Suddenly, Frieza didn't know what to say. This woman wasn't a monkey; she was human. Frieza's life flashed before his-her eyes. Every insult, every affront he-she had used had something to do with a monkey.

Frieza couldn't leave this sentence hanging, so he-she finished it to the best of his-her ability. "Why you little butthead!"

For a second, time froze as the man and the woman, erm, both women stared at each other. Chichi suddenly began to laugh. "Was that the best you can do, fruit cake?" she called. Slamming the window shut, she went back to bed, leaving a fuming Frieza outside.

"That's it!" he-she shouted, leaping between both Saiyans in order to let off some steam. Unfortunately, Frieza had hopped in just as the two Saiyans were about to punch each other. Vegeta's hyped-up Super Saiyan 1,298 reflexes allowed him to stop and move out of the way as Goku's malfunctioning reflexes followed through with the punch.

The result: one smashed fruit-cake.

Goku passed out from the alcohol he consumed and Vegeta did a victory dance that would make Britney Spears blush. It didn't help that he was only wearing whitey-tighties, either.

"I've finally defeated Kakarott! I need a celebration…hmm…." After thinking long and hard for three seconds, Vegeta shouted, "To 7-11!" and sped off into the night.

The End

* * *

Really, don't ask. I'm not kidding. This was another three AM story, but the fact that I finished it when I was allegedly coherent (a.k.a. I had gotten the proper amount of sleep) is kind of creepy. 


End file.
